At Home at the Zoo Read online

  PETER

  No.

  ANN

  All these years?

  PETER

  No; it’s something people do—get up.

  ANN

  Who are all these people? People you’ve slept with?

  PETER

  No! It’s what people do. Where do you go?

  ANN

  Some night, get up; follow me. To the kitchen, usually; a cup of tea.

  (Dreamy.)

  One night I sat for an hour … and I thought about having my breasts cut off.

  PETER

  Where!?

  ANN

  In the kitchen.

  PETER (Puts book down; laughs.)

  You didn’t!

  ANN

  No? Over twenty percent of us get breast cancer, and over fifty percent of those of us do die of it. What better way to avoid it if you’re young enough.

  PETER

  Are you?

  ANN

  I don’t know. Probably. Probably not.

  PETER (A little hurt.)

  You would tell me, wouldn’t you?

  ANN

  What?

  PETER

  If you were thinking of it … seriously.

  ANN (You imbecile!)

  No! I’d go to some clinic where they do that sort of thing on the fly—or the fly-by-night—and I’d go in and I’d say “Hello, I’d like to have my breasts cut off, please, prophylactic, and all, and don’t tell my hubby.”

  PETER (A little embarrassed.)

  Do you think there are women do that?

  ANN (Very matter of fact.)

  There are women do anything.

  PETER

  Everything?

  ANN

  Either; both.

  PETER

  You were really thinking of doing that?

  ANN

  I was thinking about thinking about it—about what it would be like to think about it, about doing it.

  PETER

  Ah.

  ANN

  Once you hear of an idea you never know where it will lodge itself, when it will move from something learned to something … considerable, something you might think about, which is not far from being thought about, if you wanted to, or needed to.

  PETER (A sad truth.)

  We all die of something.

  ANN

  Sooner or later.

  PETER

  Yes, but …

  ANN

  Yes, but! Oh, you do love pedantry so … dying of not doing something can be carelessness!

  PETER (Appalled.)

  Having your breasts cut off can be called care?!

  ANN (Thinks about it.)

  An extreme case; yes.

  PETER

  Only a crazy person.

  ANN

  Then there are lots of loonies around.

  PETER

  No one.

  ANN (Slowly; articulated.)

  Ma … ny.

  PETER

  Only a crazy person.

  ANN (Shrugs.)

  Have it your way.

  (Laughs; a sudden remembering.)

  I remember the night I thought about thinking about it. My mother had called me that day and told me she’s decided to have an affair with somebody.

  PETER

  (Not displeased; maybe just happy to be on another subject.)

  She did?! Who?!

  ANN

  I don’t know—somebody.

  PETER

  Yes, but you said …

  ANN

  I said she told me—why are we moving this conversation away from me, by the way, away from something that concerns me?—that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody.

  PETER

  Yes!

  ANN

  And of course I asked who—who are you going to have this affair with?

  PETER

  Of course.

  ANN

  Not necessarily. I might not have wanted to pry—or to know.

  PETER

  Yes, that’s possible.

  ANN

  But I did: I did want to pry or know … and so I did.

  PETER (Shy.)

  Pry?

  ANN

  Ask. Who are you going to have an affair with, I said—casual-like. Hm?

  PETER

  And …?

  ANN

  And she said she didn’t know; she hadn’t decided, or maybe she hadn’t met the person.

  PETER

  The man.

  ANN

  Not necessarily. All she knew was that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody. She didn’t know who.

  PETER

  It just seemed like a good idea?!

  ANN

  Yes; or so she thought. “Does it seem like a good idea?” I asked her. “I assume it does.” “Well, not necessarily,” she said. “It might be something bad I want—of course for reasons I haven’t figured out yet.” “You get more complex with age,” I told her. “Like cheese,” she smiled. I think. “Something bad might be a good idea in that case,” I said. “Yes,” she said. “Isn’t life odd.”

  PETER

  Like hacking off your breasts.

  ANN

  Having them hacked off.

  PETER

  Yes; sorry.

  ANN

  We’re back on that, are we?

  PETER

  Well, it’s—did her telling you lead you to your breast thing, in some weird, convoluted female way? Her telling you about wanting to have an affair lead you to contemplating having your …?

  ANN

  “Weird, convoluted female way?” Who are you?

  PETER

  Sorry. Did it?

  ANN

  What, lead me to contemplating it? No, I don’t think so. Though maybe. Maybe if I had no breasts the likelihood of having an affair—if I were planning to have one—would be … well, I was going to say diminished.

  PETER

  Why not! Why not say diminished?

  ANN

  Well; probably; yes, though there are people around …

  PETER

  … who like that sort of thing?—lack of thing, of something?

  (Feels his own.)

  “Breastlessness?!”

  ANN (Chuckles.)

  There are people like everything—anything.

  (Peter chuckles, too.)

  PETER

  Symmetry! God, I love symmetry.

  (Serious.)

  Are you … planning something?

  ANN

  You mean beyond dinner? Beyond feeding the cats—and the rest of the menagerie?

  PETER

  Yes.

  ANN

  Beyond thinking about thinking about something?

  PETER

  Yes.

  ANN (Shrugs.)

  Oh, I don’t know. Like what? Like having an affair—like mother like daughter? I hope not. I hope I’m not thinking about that.

  PETER (Shy.)

  Me, too.

  ANN

  You, too, what? You hope I’m not, or you hope you’re not?

  PETER (Sad smile.)

  Either; both.

  ANN (Straight.)

  Me, too.

  (Pause.)

  The nights are strange—you asleep; I look at you—unconscious, lost to the world, as they say.

  PETER (Smiles.)

  Temporarily.

  ANN

  Ah, well. I look at you—deep asleep, not dreaming.

  (Suddenly more enthusiastic.)

  Did you know that when you sleep you’re paralyzed? In deep sleep, I mean, not the dreaming, but deep sleep, your body is entirely paralyzed, except for the automatic stuff?, the breathing?, the heart? Just a fraction of one ear, so you can hear doom sneaking up, I guess—and something else, I can’t remember what. You’re entirely paralyzed?

  PETER (Fact.)

  Yes; I knew that.

  ANN (Surprised; disappointed
.)

  You did?!

  PETER

  Yes; we published that book on sleep. Keep up.

  ANN

  Damn!

  PETER

  Sort of a sleeper.

  (Nudge.)

  Joke?

  ANN

  Damn. What? Yes: joke.

  PETER

  What’s the other thing? The other part? I don’t remember.

  ANN

  What?

  PETER

  A part of one toe?

  ANN

  A fraction of something.

  PETER

  What? Come on.

  ANN

  I don’t remember. Keep up! Your dick, probably.

  PETER

  Hunh! I doubt it.

  ANN

  No mind of its own? No automatic … whatever?

  PETER

  I think …

  (Stops.)

  ANN (Engaged.)

  What! You think what!

  PETER (Pause; shakes his head.)

  No.

  ANN (Pleased; teasing.)

  Come on!

  PETER

  No, now.

  ANN

  I won’t tell anyone.

  PETER

  Well … I think my circumcision is going away.

  (ANN: long, slow facial response; giggles ending in guffaws. PETER rises, moves to leave the room.)

  All right! All right!

  ANN (Coming down from it.)

  No, now! Wait!

  (He pauses.)

  Wait. You think … what?

  (Giggles again.)

  You think your circumcision is doing what?

  (Chuckles.)

  PETER

  It’s not funny!

  ANN (Sober face.)

  No; of course not.

  (Guffaws.)

  PETER (Shutting down.)

  All right! That’s it!

  ANN (A hand out.)

  No, no: I’m sorry.

  PETER (A silence, then very objective.)

  I think my circumcision is … going away.

  (Sits.)

  ANN

  My goodness!

  (Stifles laugh.)

  PETER

  Please?

  ANN

  Sorry.

  PETER

  You may not have noticed.

  ANN

  Well, no; certainly if I had I would have noticed—that I had.

  PETER

  It’s just that … when I … take it out to pee—my penis?

  ANN (Holding on.)

  Yes; I gathered.

  PETER

  … the foreskin looks to be … coming over the ridge of the, you know. The glans … just a little.

  ANN (No comment.)

  My goodness.

  PETER

  And when I’m sitting on the bed—when I’m naked?—I look down and it looks even more so, more of the glans seems covered.

  ANN (No comment.)

  Gracious.

  PETER (Senses derision.)

  Well, it may not mean much to you, but …

  ANN

  No, it does! I mean … goodness, if you’ve had a circumcised husband all these years and all of a sudden there’s a foreskin waving at you, you’re bound to wonder. I mean … who is this? What is this?

  PETER

  It’s not that … there is no foreskin—as such. It’s that … it seems to be …

  ANN

  It?

  PETER

  My penis? My penis seems to be … retreating.

  (Pause.)

  A little.

  (Pause.)

  Not much.

  (Pause.)

  But … a little.

  ANN (Considers it.)

  That’s so sad.

  (Pause; helpful.)

  Time.

  PETER

  Hm?

  ANN

  Time. Things happen, as the man said.

  PETER

  I just thought I’d mention it.

  ANN (Cheerful.)

  Certainly! Do you … do you want to have it looked at?

  (More or less suppresses a giggle.)

  Professionally, I mean?

  PETER

  No, I’ll … I’ll keep an eye on it.

  ANN (Can’t help herself.)

  I would; I mean …

  (Musical.)

  “The thrill of your glans …”

  PETER

  All right!

  ANN (Helpful.)

  Darling, if you want to regrow your foreskin …

  PETER

  I do not want to regrow my foreskin!

  ANN

  I mean, I’m sure there are ways to …

  PETER (Rather ugly.)

  Yeah, I know: hanging weights on it … for years! I’ve read about it.

  ANN

  Hanging weight on your … but it isn’t even there!

  PETER

  What isn’t?

  ANN

  Your foreskin. Except you say it’s coming back and …

  PETER

  That’s not what I said. What I said was that my circumcision was going away. I did not say my foreskin was coming back. For Christ’s sake! It can’t! It’s gone! A doctor took a pair of scissors and …

  ANN

  A scalpel, I think.

  PETER

  Whatever! I was a baby! Nobody asked me! They just … took it away!

  ANN

  And you not even Jewish.

  PETER (Glum nod.)

  And me not even Jewish.

  (Angry.)

  They should ask!

  ANN

  You weren’t a week old, for God’s sake.

  PETER

  I mean wait. They should wait … and ask.

  ANN

  How long?

  PETER

  You mean …?

  ANN

  What? Until you’re what—five? “Honey, do you think you’d like to be circumcised now?” “What’s that, Mommy?” “Well, darling, they take a little knife and …”

  PETER (Not amused.)

  No; no. Later.

  ANN

  The age of reason? Sixteen, or whatever? “Hey, Pete, you think you’d like to have your foreskin cut off today?” “Are you kidding?!”

  PETER (Shakes his head.)

  There’d be a lot more uncircumcised guys around.

  ANN (Fact.)

  And a lot more cervical cancer.

  PETER

  Really?

  ANN (Nods.)

  Some. What brought this on—me and my breasts?

  PETER (Shrugs.)

  Maybe. I don’t know.

  ANN

  It’s not your subject.

  PETER

  What?

  ANN

  Sex stuff.

  PETER

  No; I guess not.

  ANN (An assessment, but not unkind.)

  Mr. Circumspection.

  PETER

  Mmmmmm. Anyway—I thought I’d bring it up.

  ANN

  Well, I’m glad you did.

  PETER

  Really? Are you really glad?

  ANN

  What!

  PETER

  That I brought it up—my circumcision going away, or seeming to.

  ANN (Thinks.)

  Same thing … no?

  PETER (Wry smile.)

  Not your field.

  ANN

  Well, clearly you wanted to bring it up; clearly it’s been bothering you.

  PETER

  Not bothering … bemusing. Bemusing me.

  ANN

  Whatever. I appreciate being told—your … sharing.

  PETER

  You’re welcome. Obviously it wasn’t noticed.

  ANN

  “Noticed”?

  PETER

  Never mind.

  ANN

  I’m sorry.

  PETER

  It’s all right.
r />   ANN (After a silence.)

  Do they ask the parents? At the hospital? Before they do it?

  PETER

  What?

  ANN

  Circumcision.

  PETER

  I don’t know. We have daughters … remember?

  ANN

  Yes. I think I remember reading it’s … customary.

  PETER

  What?

  ANN

  Doing it.

  PETER

  You could sue; I could sue.

  ANN (Smiles.)

  And what would they do … sew it back on?

  PETER

  Maybe.

  ANN

  You mean you think they’ve kept it around for the past—what?—forty-five years … in a bottle somewhere?

  PETER

  What?!

  ANN

  Your foreskin. In a bottle somewhere in case you sued them?

  PETER

  Don’t be silly.

  ANN

  I wonder what we’d have done if we’d had a son.

  PETER

  What? Circumcision?

  ANN

  Yes. If they’d asked us.

  PETER (Short pause.)

  Damned if I know.

  ANN (Gruff voice; imitating.)

  “Well, sir, that’s a fine bouncing baby boy you’ve got there!”

  PETER

  I’ve never understood “bouncing.” They don’t … bounce it, do they? To see if …

  ANN

  Don’t be silly: it’s a figure of speech—your field.

  (Imitation again.)

  “… fine bouncing baby boy! Shall we trim its penis for you—for him?”

  PETER

  I’d say “no.” If they came at me like that, I’d say “no.”

  ANN

  Hmmmm. I suppose I’d leave it up to you.

  PETER

  Male stuff, eh?

  ANN

  There are things.

  PETER

  And there are woman things, too? Things you and the girls talk about and make decisions; things I don’t know about?

  ANN

  Don’t be silly: they’re barely teenagers. This isn’t Africa; we don’t circumcise our daughters.

  PETER

  That’s disgusting—what they do—those tribes do!

  ANN

  Yes.

  (Pause.)

  It cuts down on the infidelity, though.

  PETER

  What does?

  ANN

  Circumcising the girls—and they don’t usually do it at birth. They wait—until puberty I think.

  PETER

  Ugh!

  ANN

  Then they do it—hack off the clitoris.

  PETER

  Stop!

  ANN

  Kills all the sensation—all the pleasure, when they’re old enough for pleasure. Cuts down on infidelity, as I said. No pleasure, no reason—no physical reason.

  PETER

  So does cutting off the breasts.

  ANN

  Hacking.

  PETER

  Yes.

  ANN

  Circle!

  PETER

  Hm?

  ANN

  Full circle.

  PETER (Smiles.)

  Oh. Yes.

  (Pause.)

  What did you want—when you came in?

  ANN

  When?

  PETER

  When you came in.