Play About the Baby: Trade Edition Read online

  MAN

  (Shakes his head; smiles, applauds) Very good! Really, very good! (Out) Wasn’t that good? Didn’t she do that well? Come on, give her a hand! (Encourages, leads audience applause. She curtsies. If there is none, he dismisses audience with a wave of his hand.) Good. Really very good. (To BOY and GIRL) Didn’t you think so? (Before they can reply: a sudden shift to very businesslike; in) O.K. Let’s get on with it. (To BOY and GIRL; calling) Will you two come over here, please?

  BOY

  (Flat) What?

  GIRL

  (Flat) What? What is it?

  MAN

  Did you like our little performance? Our intermezzo a due? (Before they can answer) Ah! But where’s baby-poo?

  GIRL

  (Flat) Asleep; all fed.

  BOY

  (Licks lips) I got dessert.

  WOMAN

  (False hearty) Oh, you have a baby!

  BOY

  Yes.

  WOMAN

  What kind?

  BOY

  (Eyeing her) A small one.

  WOMAN

  Aha. (Exits left; false stealth)

  BOY

  (To MAN) What do you want?

  MAN

  (Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, I would imagine we want what almost everybody wants—eternal life, in great health, no older than we are when we want it; easy money, with enough self-deception to make us feel we’ve earned it, are worthy people; a government that lets us do whatever we want, serves our private interests and lets us feel we’re doing all we can for … how do they call it—the less fortunate?; a bigger dick, a more muscular vagina; a baby, perhaps?

  BOY

  No, no. (Articulated) What do you want?

  MAN

  Hm?

  BOY

  Here; what do you want here?

  MAN

  (Helpless gesture; false) I’m not sure that I …

  BOY

  You’re here.

  MAN

  (Grudging) Yes.

  BOY

  That … woman is here—is with you.

  MAN

  Everything being relative …

  BOY

  Yes.

  GIRL

  (Suspicious) Where is she? Where’s she gone!? (WOMAN reenters, from stage right, very casually, an “O.K.” finger gesture to MAN, a broad wink to him.) Oh, there she is.

  MAN

  (To BOY) We are both here; yes.

  BOY

  (Level) Why?

  MAN

  Hm?

  BOY

  (Still level, if harder) Why are you here? What do you want?

  MAN

  (Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, it’s really very simple. We’ve come to take the baby.

  (Silence)

  BOY

  What do you mean!?

  MAN

  (Flat) We’ve come to take the baby.

  (Shorter silence)

  GIRL

  (A look of panic) What do you mean “you’ve come to take …” Oh, my God! (Suddenly exits, left)

  BOY

  (Eyes on MAN; steely) I don’t understand you.

  WOMAN

  He doesn’t understand you; be clearer.

  MAN

  (To WOMAN) I thought I was being clear. (To BOY) What is it you don’t understand? The noun “baby”? The verb “take”?

  WOMAN

  You’re not being nice.

  MAN

  You told me to be clear—clearer.

  WOMAN

  They’re not mutually exclusive.

  MAN

  (Heavy sigh) All right. (To BOY) The baby. The baby?

  BOY

  (Very innocent) Yes?

  MAN

  (Demonstrates) We’ve come to take it.

  BOY

  I don’t …

  MAN

  (Very explicit) A-way; a-way.

  GIRL

  (Re-enters from left; hysterical) WHERE’S THE BABY?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY?!

  (Silence)

  MAN

  What baby?

  (Silence)

  WOMAN

  Yes; what baby?

  (Tableau)

  END OF ACT ONE

  Act Two

  (No one on stage; otherwise everything as it was at the end of Act One)

  MAN

  (Enters, waves a little to audience. To someone) Is this where I was at the end of one—Act One? Right about here? (Takes exact position as of the end of Act One. Generally; out) Yes? Good. (To stragglers) Hurry back in, now; you don’t want to miss the exposition. Well, maybe you do. (Irritated complaint) “Honestly! You’d think they’d have it in the first act!” (Thinks about it) No; you couldn’t possibly. Well, let me tell you: intermissions are never long enough, are they. Did you enjoy yourselves while you were out for your cigarettes, or whatever? (Wrinkles his nose, etc.) Don’t smoke; bad for you. Half a million die of it every year. In this country alone, subsidized murder. Not you, of course—someone you know. So; you had your cigarette, or your drink—not quite so bad, one or two a day good for the old heart, they say. Or your coffee. (Harpy; shrill) KEEP AWAKE! KEEP AWAKE! Or merely … stretching your legs, having a pee. (Annoyed woman imitation) “You’d think they’d build the ladies’ restrooms bigger; after all these years you’d think they’d have noticed the lines! Honestly!” Or maybe just a phone call? Or a talk with friends—or strangers. Whatever. (Shift of tone) I must tell you something here: I have a troubling sense of what should be—rather than what is. It chokes me up at simpleminded movies—where good things happen to good people? My throat clots, and I think I’m going to cry. Because I know it can never happen in what they call “real life”? Good things to good people and happy endings? That it’s all … fantasy? Is that what allows me to believe? To weep in relief? If I saw it really happening—all good things to all good people?—would I turn away in horror? Yes, probably: because it could all … stop, could go away, be a single instant of glory, desperately cruel. We can’t take glory because it shows us the abyss. That is why we cry at movies—because it’s safe to; it’s all so … beautifully false. But I have, as I say, this sense of what should be rather than what is. And I file it away; file it away under “unwanted on the voyage, dangerous cargo,” for I know it does not apply? Because it is an impediment to … what do they say? … to “getting through it all”? (Smiles grimly; demonstrates shuddering) It’s troubling, though, I tell you. As … (gestures) … as in, well … here; now; all this. Troubling, but I’ll get through it. (Snaps fingers) O.K.!! So, where did we leave off? “We’ve come to take the baby.” “I don’t understand.” “What baby?” etc. That was it … casual—more or less—straightforward, but casual. “We’ve come to take the baby.” Remember it? Good. We’ll see if they let us take the baby from them. (In) Where were we all? (Off) Will you come back in now? (BOY and GIRL re-enter from left, WOMAN from right; they take positions identical to their positions on MAN’s “O.K. Let’s get on with it”) Fine. (To BOY and GIRL) Now you two say “What?” “What is it?” You first, then her, flat, flat, both of you. Say it! “What?” “What is it?” (Pause) Say it, for God’s sake!

  BOY

  (Flat) What?

  GIRL

  (Flat) What? What is it?

  MAN

  (Approving) That’s right; that’s it. (False hearty) Good to see you! But where’s “the little one”?

  GIRL

  (Flat) Asleep; all fed.

  BOY

  (Licks lips) I got dessert.

  WOMAN

  (Quiet aside to MAN) Oh, I get it. (To GIRL; false hearty) Oh, you have a baby!

  GIRL

  Yes.

  WOMAN

  What kind?

  GIRL

  (Eyeing her) A small one.

  WOMAN

  Aha. (Quick aside to MAN) Is this where I … (answering her own question) … yes; yes, it is. (To GIRL) Aha! (Exits left; false stealth)

  BO
Y

  (To MAN) What do you want?

  MAN

  (Sotto voce aside to audience) I love this speech. (To BOY; cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, I would imagine we want what almost everybody wants—eternal life, in great health, no older than we are when we want it; easy money, with enough self-deception to make us feel we’ve earned it, are worthy people; a government that lets us do whatever we want, serves our private interests and lets us feel we’re doing all we can for … how do they call it—the less fortunate?; a bigger dick, a more muscular vagina; a baby, perhaps?

  BOY

  No, no. (Articulated) What do you want?

  MAN

  Hm?

  BOY

  Here; what do you want here?

  MAN

  (Helpless gesture; false) I’m not sure that I …

  BOY

  You’re here.

  MAN

  (Grudging) Yes.

  BOY

  That … woman is here—is with you.

  MAN

  Everything being relative …

  BOY

  Yes.

  GIRL

  (Suspicious) Where is she? Where’s she gone!? (WOMAN reenters, from stage right, very casually, an O.K. finger gesture to MAN, with a broad wink) Oh, there she is.

  MAN

  (To BOY) We are both here; yes.

  BOY

  (Level) Why?

  MAN

  Hm?

  BOY

  (Still level, if harder) Why are you here? What do you want?

  MAN

  (Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, it’s really very simple. We’ve come to take the baby.

  (Silence)

  BOY

  What do you mean?

  MAN

  (Flat) We’ve come to take the baby.

  (Shorter silence)

  GIRL

  (A look of panic) What do you mean “you’ve come to take …” Oh, my God!! (Suddenly exits, left)

  BOY

  (Eyes on MAN: steely) I don’t understand you. (Brief awareness of GIRL’s action)

  WOMAN

  He doesn’t understand you; be clearer.

  MAN

  (To WOMAN) I thought I was being clear. (To BOY) What is it you don’t understand? The noun “baby”? The verb “take”?

  WOMAN

  You’re not being nice.

  MAN

  You told me to be clear—clearer.

  WOMAN

  They’re not mutually exclusive.

  MAN

  (Heavy sigh) All right. (To BOY) The baby. The baby?

  BOY

  (Very innocent) Yes?

  MAN

  (Demonstrates) We’ve come to take it.

  BOY

  I don’t …

  MAN

  (Very explicit; impatient) A-way; a-way.

  GIRL

  (Re-enters from left; hysterical) WHERE’S THE BABY??!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY??!!

  (Silence)

  MAN

  What baby?

  (Silence)

  WOMAN

  Yes; what baby?

  MAN

  (Out, then in) There we are! Here we go!

  GIRL

  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY??!!

  BOY

  (Gathering energy; clearly about to lunge) Look, you motherfucker, what have you done to …

  MAN

  (A stopping hand up; very loud) STOP!! (BOY freezes)

  GIRL

  (Sobbing) What have you done with my baby?

  MAN

  (Loud) BOTH OF YOU!! NOW JUST STOP!!

  (GIRL whimpers, sobs, but stays still; BOY puts his arm around her, never taking his eyes off MAN)

  WOMAN

  (Distaste) Such a performance! You’d think somebody was hurting somebody—or something!

  MAN

  (Keeping his eyes on BOY; casual tone) Wouldn’t you?

  WOMAN

  You’d think something was amiss, as they say.

  MAN

  (Ibid) Wouldn’t you?

  GIRL

  (Weepy) I want my baby.

  MAN

  Everyone wants his baby.

  WOMAN

  Her baby.

  MAN

  (Shrugs) Whatever. (To WOMAN; points at GIRL: innocence) Her baby? Everyone wants her baby?

  WOMAN

  (Chuckles) No, no; generics again.

  BOY

  (About to get up, move toward MAN) Okay. I’ve had enough of this now! What the fuck have you done with …

  MAN

  (Hand up) Hold!

  BOY

  (Beginning to move) I will not “hold,” whatever that means.

  WOMAN

  (Helpful) It’s Elizabethan.

  BOY

  (Confused) It’s … it’s what?!

  MAN

  ELIZABETHAN!! Now go sit down. If you care about this baby you behave yourself, yourselves. (Demonstrates) If there are two hands—see? two hands?—if there are two hands, we have the upper one. If you have ever had a baby—

  BOY

  If?

  MAN

  … if that is mother’s milk you’ve been feeding on, and if you wish to see your real or imagined baby again—ever!—

  BOY

  Real? Or …

  MAN

  … if you are wiser than your years, be good.

  (BOY does so)

  WOMAN

  (To MAN) You have a way with children.

  MAN

  As it was with my own.

  WOMAN

  Oh? You have children?

  MAN

  Certainly; I have six.

  WOMAN

  Really!

  MAN

  Yes: two black, two white, one green, and the other … well, I’m not certain, or I’ve lost track, or whatever.

  BOY

  (Quietly) Bullshit.

  WOMAN

  (Ignoring BOY) Two black?

  MAN

  Yes.

  WOMAN

  Half black, half white, what in the bad old days they used to call mulatto?

  MAN

  No; all black.

  WOMAN

  But …

  MAN

  This was when I was black.

  WOMAN

  Aha. Was this before you were white? Before …

  MAN

  No; it shifted: two white, one black, one green, et cetera.

  WOMAN

  I see; I see.

  GIRL

  (To MAN) You have no children.

  MAN

  Well, that may be, or may have been, or … whatever.

  WOMAN

  (To GIRL) Why do you say that?

  GIRL

  (To WOMAN) Nor do you.

  WOMAN

  Oh?

  GIRL

  No one who has children …

  MAN

  Had!

  GIRL

  (Onward) … would treat us like this—anyone like this.

  BOY

  She’s right, you know. (Pause) Had?

  MAN

  (Playful) Well, having had doesn’t mean one has. (Pause) Does it?

  WOMAN

  One green?

  MAN

  Yes. (Out) Does this need explaining?

  WOMAN

  When you were green?

  MAN

  (Back in; thinks a moment) Well, when someone was.

  WOMAN

  Half green then.

  GIRL

  (Soft, gentle pleading) Please? (BOY quietly shushes her)

  MAN

  (Considers it) Mmmmm … light green. (To BOY and GIRL) So, I want you to understand I know about children, about who has them … and who does not; how large they may be, how many legs they have—if they have the number they are supposed to, where they come out of—the length of the small intestine in a two-week-old …

  WOMAN

  How long?

  MAN

&n
bsp; Eleven and three-quarter inches. The color of loss, the names most commonly not used … all the things essential. You don’t fool with me. Fool yourselves, fool each other, but don’t try it with me. I’ve touched the golden dick. Have you? (To BOY, specifically) Have you? Have you? You there?

  BOY

  (Preoccupied) Have I what?

  MAN

  Touched the golden dick.

  BOY

  I don’t know what you’re talking about, mister. (Suddenly loud) Where’s our baby!!??

  MAN/WOMAN

  (Softly singing) Yes, Sir, where’s our baby? No, Sir, we don’t mean maybe. Yes, Sir, where’s our baby now?

  MAN

  (Speaking again) Too bad about the dick—the golden dick.

  (As BOY prepares to lunge) I’d be careful if I were you!

  (BOY lunges; Man flips him on his back on the floor with a judo move; pins BOY’s neck under his foot)

  MAN

  I said I’d be careful if I were you! (To GIRL) Are you going to try something, too? (GIRL sobs, shakes her head) Good; the lady here is adept at things as well.

  WOMAN

  I am.

  MAN

  Everyone’s adept at something. (To pinned BOY) Will you be good?

  BOY

  Yes.

  MAN

  Good. (BOY gets up, not easily) Go to your chair. (BOY does; GIRL moves to comfort him) Good. Touching. (To WOMAN) Goodness, I’m saying “good” a lot, aren’t I?

  WOMAN

  (Shrugs) It sounds right.

  MAN

  Good! (To BOY and GIRL) So! No more shenanigans. (Out) Is that Irish? Shenanigans? (If anyone answers, handle it; in any event, go on with this) I looked it up once in the dictionary and it didn’t say; it said “informal,” which I don’t believe is a genesis. Though maybe it is … the island of informality? The city of shenanigan? I meant to look it up somewhere else, but I … lost interest, I guess. (Back in) In any event, (To BOY and GIRL) no more (very pronounced) she-nan-i-gans. No?

  BOY

  (Nursing his neck) No.

  MAN

  No what?

  BOY

  No more.

  MAN

  No more what!?

  BOY

  No more shenanigans.

  MAN

  Always be precise: saves time, saves paper. Did I hurt you?

  BOY

  No.

  MAN

  No wound?

  BOY

  No.

  MAN

  (To BOY and GIRL) If you have no wounds, how can you know if you’re alive? If you have no scar, how do you know who you are? Have been?