The Goat, or Who Is Sylvia?: Broadway Edition Read online

  ROSS

  By what? She’s going to stop by what?

  MARTIN

  (Staring after her) Nothing; nowhere. (To ROSS) No crew?

  ROSS

  Just me this time—the old hand-held. (Indicates camera) You ready for the chair?

  MARTIN

  (Sing-song) Ha, ha. (Suddenly remembering) How’s old Todd!?

  ROSS

  “Old Todd?”

  MARTIN

  You know: old Todd!

  ROSS

  You mean my baby son who just last week it seems I dandled on my knee? That old Todd?

  MARTIN

  Lovely word—dandled. Yes: that old Todd.

  ROSS

  Who I cannot accept having become eighteen?

  MARTIN

  Whom.

  ROSS

  Maybe.

  MARTIN

  Yes; that one. Can any of us? Ever?

  ROSS

  Pushing me further into middle age?

  MARTIN

  Yes; that one.

  ROSS

  (Offhand) He’s OK. (Laughs) He asked me last week—first time since he was four, or something—why he didn’t have a brother, or a sister, or whatever—why April and I never had another kid.

  MARTIN

  April, May, June—the pastel months. You name girl babies after them.

  ROSS

  (Doesn’t care) Right. (Does care) I told him if you do it right the first time, why take a chance on another.

  MARTIN

  Did he like that one?

  ROSS

  Seemed to. Of course, I could have told him the whole graduating class got together and vowed that we would all have only one kid each—keep the population down. Speaking of which, how’s Billy? How’s yours—your one and only?

  MARTIN

  (Attempted throw-away tone) Ohhhh, seventeen last week—didn’t Todd come to the party? No, I guess he didn’t. Real cute kid, Billy, bright as you’d ever want, gay as the nineties.

  ROSS

  Passing phase. Have you had the old serious talk?

  MARTIN

  The “You’ll get over it once you meet the right girl” lecture? Nah, I’m too smart for that, so’s he, so’s Billy. I told him to be sure. Says he’s sure; loves it, he says.

  ROSS

  Well, of course he loves it; he’s getting laid, for God’s sake! Don’t worry about him.

  MARTIN

  Who?

  ROSS

  Billy! Seventeen; it’s a phase.

  MARTIN

  Like the moon, eh?

  ROSS

  He’ll straighten out—to make a pun. (To quash the subject) Billy’ll come out of it; he’ll be OK.

  MARTIN

  (Reassuring if a bit patronizing) Sure.

  ROSS

  Voice test? Phone off?

  MARTIN

  I assume Stevie did it.

  ROSS

  I hear a kind of … rushing sound, like a … wooooosh!, or … wings, or something.

  MARTIN

  It’s probably the Eumenides.

  ROSS

  More like the dishwasher. There; it stopped.

  MARTIN

  Then it probably wasn’t the Eumenides: they don’t stop.

  ROSS

  (Agreeing) They go right on.

  MARTIN

  Right.

  ROSS

  Why is Stevie going to the feed store?

  MARTIN

  She isn’t.

  ROSS

  Then why did she …

  MARTIN

  It’s a joke.

  ROSS

  A standing joke?

  MARTIN

  No, a new one; a brand-new one.

  ROSS

  OK? Ready? Ready Martin; here we go; just … be yourself.

  MARTIN

  Really?

  ROSS

  (A tiny bit testy) Well, no; maybe not. Put on your public face.

  MARTIN

  (Overly cheerful) OK!!

  ROSS

  And don’t switch in the middle.

  MARTIN

  (More) OK!!

  ROSS

  (Under his breath) Jesus! (Announcer voice) Good evening. This is Ross Tuttle. Welcome to People Who Matter. Some people have birthdays and no one pays them any mind. Well … family, of course, friends. And others … well, some people are … I was going to say special, but that’s a … dumb word, for everyone matters, everyone’s special. But some people matter in extraordinary ways, in ways which affect the lives of the rest of us—enrich them, inform them. Some people, I guess, are, well … more extraordinary than others. Martin Gray—whom you’ve met on this program before—is such a man, such a person. Good evening, Martin.

  MARTIN

  Good … uh, evening, Ross. (sotto voce) It’s mid-afternoon.

  ROSS

  (Quiet snarl) I know. Shut up! (Announcer voice) Three things happened to you this week, Martin. You became the youngest person ever to win the Pritzker Prize, architecture’s version of the Nobel. Also this week you were chosen to design The World City, the two hundred billion dollar dream city of the future, financed by U.S. electronics technology and set to rise in the wheatfields of our Middle West. Also, this week, you celebrated your fiftieth birthday. Happy birthday, Martin, and congratulations!

  MARTIN

  (Brief pause; casual) Thanks, Ross.

  ROSS

  Quite a week, Martin!

  MARTIN

  (A little puzzled) Yes; yes it was. Quite a week.

  ROSS

  (Big) How does it feel, Martin?

  MARTIN

  Becoming fifty?

  ROSS

  (Pushing) No. All of it. Yes.

  MARTIN

  Well …

  ROSS

  (Sensing no answer is coming) It must be amazing! No, thrilling!

  MARTIN

  Turning fifty? No: not really.

  ROSS

  (Not amused) No! The other! The World City! The Pritzker! All that!

  MARTIN

  (Genuine surprise) Oh, that! Well, yes … amazing, thrilling.

  ROSS

  (Prompting) For one so young.

  MARTIN

  (Innocent) Fifty is young?

  ROSS

  (Controlling himself) For the Pritzker Prize! Where were you when they told you?

  MARTIN

  I was at the gym; I’d taken all my clothes off, and Stevie called me there.

  ROSS

  Stevie is your wife.

  MARTIN

  I know that.

  ROSS

  How did it make you feel?

  MARTIN

  Stevie being my wife?

  ROSS

  No: the Prize.

  MARTIN

  Well, it was … gratifying—not being naked, but … hearing about it—the Prize.

  ROSS

  (Exuberant) Weren’t you … thunderstruck!?

  MARTIN

  Well, no; they’d hinted at it—the Prize, I mean, and …

  ROSS

  (Heavily prompting) But it was pretty wonderful, wasn’t it?

  MARTIN

  (Understanding what to say) Yes; yes it was pretty wonderful—is pretty wonderful.

  ROSS

  Tell us about The World City.

  MARTIN

  Well, you just did: two hundred billion dollars, and all, the wheatfields of Kansas, or whatever …

  ROSS

  What an honor! What a duo of honors! You’re at the … pinnacle of your success, Martin …

  MARTIN

  (Considers that) You mean it’s all downhill from here?

  ROSS

  CUT! CUT! (Camera down. To MARTIN) What’s the matter with you!?

  MARTIN

  Sorry?

  ROSS

  I can’t shoot that! You were a million miles away!!

  MARTIN

  (Considering) That far.

  ROSS
/>   You want to try again?

  MARTIN

  Try what?

  ROSS

  The taping! The program!

  MARTIN

  (As if seeing the camera for the first time) Oooooh.

  ROSS

  We’re taping!

  MARTIN

  (Unhappy) Yes; I know.

  ROSS

  (Nicely concerned) Something the matter?

  MARTIN

  I think so. Yes; probably.

  ROSS

  Do you want to talk about it, as they say?

  MARTIN

  About what?

  ROSS

  About what’s the matter.

  MARTIN

  (Concerned) Why? What’s the matter?

  ROSS

  You said something was the matter, that you think something’s the matter.

  MARTIN

  (Far away) Oh.

  ROSS

  Forty years, Martin; we’ve known each other forty years—since we were ten.

  MARTIN

  (Trying to understand) Yes. That gives you something? Rights, or something?

  ROSS

  I’m your oldest friend.

  MARTIN

  No; my aesthetics professor at college; I still see him; he’s a lot older than you; he’s over ninety.

  ROSS

  (So patient) Your longest friend: the person you’ve known the longest.

  MARTIN

  No; my Aunt Sarah; she’s known me …

  ROSS

  (Trying to stay patient) She’s not a friend!

  MARTIN

  (Deep, quiet surprise) Oh?

  ROSS

  (Close to giving up) No; she’s a relative; relatives are not friends!

  MARTIN

  Oh, now …

  ROSS

  Are not the same as friends. Jesus!

  MARTIN

  Aha! Yes; well, you’re right. I’ve known you longer as a friend than anyone. (Tiny pause) Why is that relevant?

  ROSS

  Because you’re troubled, and I thought that as your oldest friend I might be able to …

  MARTIN

  I am? Is that true?

  ROSS

  You said that something was the matter!

  MARTIN

  (Not remembering) I did, hunh?

  ROSS

  Why are you so …? (Can’t find the word)

  MARTIN

  Are you still shooting? Are you still on?

  ROSS

  (Heavy sigh) No. We’ll try to do it at the studio later. Sorry.

  MARTIN

  Can I get up now?

  ROSS

  If you want to; if you’re not happy.

  MARTIN

  Why are you talking to me like I was a child?

  ROSS

  Because you’re acting like one.

  MARTIN

  (Innocent) I am?

  ROSS

  Probably the most important week of your life …

  MARTIN

  (Impressed, if uninvolved) Really!

  ROSS

  … and you act like you don’t know whether you’re coming or going, like you don’t know where you are.

  MARTIN

  (Self-absorbed, almost to himself) Maybe it’s … love or something.

  ROSS

  Maybe what is?

  MARTIN

  Like a child.

  ROSS

  (Bingo!) You’re having an affair!

  MARTIN

  SHHHHHHHH! I mean, Jesus!

  ROSS

  (Shrugs) It’s OK; he’s not having an affair.

  MARTIN

  Jesus! Too bad you didn’t bring the crew; they’d love this.

  ROSS

  (Cool) They know their business.

  MARTIN

  And …?

  ROSS

  And …?

  MARTIN

  Aren’t you guys friendly anymore?

  ROSS

  They know their business. What do you want me to do—have them over for dinner? Have every crew over for dinner?

  MARTIN

  (Puzzled) No, I guess not. (Afterthought) Why not?

  ROSS

  Hm?

  MARTIN

  Why not have them over for dinner?

  ROSS

  Oh, for God’s sake, Martin!

  MARTIN

  (Hands up, defensively) Ok! OK! Jesus!

  ROSS

  It’s just that … it’s just that I don’t … mix with …

  MARTIN

  (Joyful) The help?! You don’t mix with the help!?

  ROSS

  What is wrong with you today!? That’s not what I meant, and you know it.

  MARTIN

  (Half-serious, half-joking) You’re a snob! I guess I’ve always known that. For all your left-wing, proletarian background, you’re a snob: worst kind.

  ROSS

  (A plea; a warning) We’re best friends, remember?

  MARTIN

  Meaning …?

  ROSS

  We like each other.

  MARTIN

  (“So, that’s it!”) Ohhhhhhhh!

  ROSS

  More than anyone.

  MARTIN

  (Ibid) Ohhhhh! (Considers it) Right; yes. Who else can I be cranky with?

  ROSS

  Stevie??

  MARTIN

  Ya know, Stevie doesn’t take too well to cranky anymore. If she’s developed a flaw, it’s that. “Don’t be so cranky, Martin.”

  ROSS

  Pity.

  (They’ve gentled down now)

  MARTIN

  (Shrugs) Well … you know.

  ROSS

  (Pause) So you’re in love.

  MARTIN

  With Stevie? Sure! Twenty-two years now.

  ROSS

  No, I mean … “in love.” Ficky-fack! Humpty-doodle!

  MARTIN

  What on earth are you talking about!? “Humpty-doodle!?”

  ROSS

  You said you were in love—outside of Stevie, as I read it.

  MARTIN

  (Genuine) Really? I don’t remember.

  ROSS

  (Impatient sigh; abrupt) O … K! That does it!

  MARTIN

  (As Ross gathers up stuff; true innocence) Where are you going?

  ROSS

  (Staring him down) I’m gathering my things and I’m taking my left-wing … what was it?

  MARTIN

  Uh … proletarian.

  ROSS

  … proletarian self outa here.

  MARTIN

  “But, why!” as the …

  ROSS

  Look, I came here to fucking interview you.

  MARTIN

  Fine.

  ROSS

  To boost your ego even more than …

  MARTIN

  I have no ego.

  ROSS

  Bullshit! Even more than where it is already and you fuck that up.

  MARTIN

  Fine. You say fuck a lot.

  ROSS

  You say fine a lot. (He laughs; so does MARTIN)

  MARTIN

  Words beginning with F.

  ROSS

  (Smiles) Yeah. (Pause) So; tell me about it.

  MARTIN

  (Shy) About …?

  ROSS

  (Gently urging) Your new love.

  MARTIN

  Oh; that.

  ROSS

  Yes.

  MARTIN

  I don’t know that I want to.

  ROSS

  Yes; you do.

  MARTIN

  … that I can.

  ROSS

  Try.

  MARTIN

  (Small smile) You’re persistent.

  ROSS

  Best friend. (MARTIN tries to talk; can’t) Best friend.

  MARTIN

  (Frustrated explosion) OK!! OK!! (Heavy, slow sigh; long pause) I don’t know if I ever thought that … well
, that Stevie and I would be … well, no; we’re not. (Pause)

  ROSS

  Are you telling me about it?

  MARTIN

  I’m starting to … or maybe I’m beginning to start.

  ROSS

  Oh; OK.

  MARTIN

  As I said, it never occurred to me that anything like this would come up. ’Cause we’ve always been good together—good in bed, good out; always honest, always … considerate. I’ve not been unfaithful our whole marriage; I want you to know this; never physically untrue, as they say.

  ROSS

  That’s amazing. It’s wonderful, but … wow!

  MARTIN

  Yes: wow. Oh, I’ve been groped in the kitchen by a cutie or two, late, a party, once or twice, and I’ve had my hand a couple of places a couple of times, but I’ve never … done anything. You follow.

  ROSS

  Yes; I follow.

  MARTIN

  It never seemed … well, necessary, either to be able to do a comparison, or … even for its own sake. I never needed it, I guess. Do you remember that time, that college reunion weekend you and I decided to call that service they’d told us about … the gang had told us about?

  ROSS

  (Rueful laugh) The Ladies Aid Society?

  MARTIN

  Yeah, and you called them, and …

  ROSS

  … and we had a couple of bimbos over …

  MARTIN

  Bimbi.

  ROSS

  Yes? (Broad) Ohhhhh, I remember.

  MARTIN

  … and you were married already, and Stevie and I were dating … or going together …

  ROSS