The Goat, or Who Is Sylvia?: Broadway Edition Read online

  … or whatever.

  MARTIN

  Yes.

  ROSS

  (Trying to recall) What were their names?

  MARTIN

  Mine was Alice.

  ROSS

  Big girl.

  MARTIN

  Large Alice.

  ROSS

  Right! Mine was Trudy, or Trixie, or …

  MARTIN

  April.

  ROSS

  Yes? April?

  MARTIN

  Yes; April.

  ROSS

  (Interior) Oh, shit; April’s called April.

  MARTIN

  (Registering it) Yes; she is.

  ROSS

  Shit. (Pause; recovers) And we had them up to our room—two beds, two hookers.

  MARTIN

  Just like when we roomed together.

  ROSS

  A kind of reunion for the reunion.

  MARTIN

  Yes, I guess so. And do you remember what happened?

  ROSS

  I don’t know. What happened?

  MARTIN

  I couldn’t do it? Couldn’t perform?

  ROSS

  (Recalls) Oh, yeah. You’d never had that problem when we were undergrads! I’d be pumping away, you pumping away in the next bed.

  MARTIN

  I hadn’t met Stevie.

  ROSS

  (Soberer) Right.

  MARTIN

  That night at the reunion with large Alice …

  ROSS

  You were going with Stevie …

  MARTIN

  Right.

  ROSS

  I remember.

  MARTIN

  I don’t know why I ever thought I wanted to … you know.

  ROSS

  No. Right.

  MARTIN

  I was already in love with Stevie and I didn’t know how much.

  ROSS

  (A little deriding) Amazing theory: the heart rules the dick. I always thought that the dick was driven by …

  MARTIN

  Don’t be cynical.

  ROSS

  Oh, a new part of my left-wing … what?

  MARTIN

  Proletarian.

  ROSS

  Yes. My left-wing, proletarian, snobbish, cynical self.

  MARTIN

  Right, and not new. (They both smile) You do see, don’t you? In love with Stevie, she owns every part of me. Look, when I’m traveling, and Stevie’s here, and I get itchy …

  ROSS

  You give yourself a handjob and you think about Stevie—about you and Stevie.

  MARTIN

  (Shy) Yes.

  ROSS

  (Shakes his head; noncommittal) Wonderful.

  MARTIN

  I didn’t catch your tone.

  ROSS

  There wasn’t any. Go on; how did you fuck it up?

  MARTIN

  (Truly confused) What? Fuck what up?

  ROSS

  Are you playing games?

  MARTIN

  No. Fuck what up?

  ROSS

  (Serious) Your life, apparently—you and Stevie. How’d you fuck it up?

  MARTIN

  (Pause) Oh. (Pause) That.

  ROSS

  (Impatient) Getting an answer out of you …

  MARTIN

  OK! OK! As I told you, I’ve never been unfaithful, never needed it … never …

  ROSS

  Yeah, yeah; right. You told me.

  MARTIN

  And then … one day … (Stops)

  ROSS

  (After a silence) Yeah!?

  MARTIN

  And then one day. (Says nothing more)

  ROSS

  (Long pause) That’s it!?

  MARTIN

  (Goes ahead) And then one day … one day … well, I was house-hunting—barn hunting, actually. Stevie and I had decided it was time to have a real country place—a farm, maybe—we deserved it. So, I was in the car about sixty miles out from the city. Stevie couldn’t come with me.

  ROSS

  Beyond the suburbs.

  MARTIN

  Yes; beyond the suburbs. Farms around it, small farms. And I found a wonderful place, a wonderful old farmhouse, and a lot of land.

  ROSS

  The old back twenty, or whatever it is.

  MARTIN

  Right! Whatever. And I called Stevie, and told her she had to see it, and I’d put a hold on it ’til she could see it. And Stevie was … well, “A farm?” she said, but I said “Wait!” And the real estate guy was OK with that for a while. And I was driving out of the town back to the highway, and I stopped at the top of a hill.

  ROSS

  Crest.

  MARTIN

  Right. And I stopped, and the view was … well, not spectacular, but … wonderful. Fall, you know?, with leaves turning and the town below me and great scudding clouds and those country smells.

  ROSS

  Cow shit, and all that.

  MARTIN

  (Broad country parody) New-mown hay, fella! The smell a country; the smell a apples! (Normal tone again) The roadside stands, with corn and other stuff piled high, and baskets full of other things—beans and tomatoes and those great white peaches you only get late summer …

  ROSS

  (Broad) The whole thing; right.

  MARTIN

  (Shakes his head) Oh, you city boys! And from up there I could trace the roads out toward the farm, and it gave me a kind of shiver.

  ROSS

  The ludicrous often does.

  MARTIN

  Anyway …

  ROSS

  Anyway.

  MARTIN

  Anyway, it was pretty wonderful. And I was getting back in the car, about to get back in the car, all my loot—vegetables and stuff … (change of tone to quiet wonder) and it was then that I saw her. (Sees it) Just … just looking at me.

  ROSS

  Daisy Mae! Blonde hair to her shoulders, big tits in the calico blouse, bare midriff, blonde down at the navel, piece a straw in her teeth …

  MARTIN

  (Gentle, admonishing smile) You don’t understand.

  ROSS

  No? No blonde hair? No tits?

  MARTIN

  No. And there she was, looking at me with those eyes.

  ROSS

  And it was love.

  MARTIN

  You don’t understand.

  ROSS

  No? It wasn’t love?

  MARTIN

  No. Yes; yes, it was love, but I didn’t know it right then. (To himself) How could I?

  ROSS

  Right then it was good old lust, eh? Dick starting to get big in your pants …

  MARTIN

  (Sad) You don’t understand. (Pause) I didn’t know what it was—what I was feeling. It was … it wasn’t like anything I’d felt before; it was … so … amazing, so … extraordinary! There she was, just looking at me, with those eyes of hers, and …

  ROSS

  (Impatient) Well, did you talk to her?

  MARTIN

  (Incredulous laugh) Did I what!?

  ROSS

  Did you talk to her!?

  MARTIN

  (Considers it) Hunh! Yes; yes, I did. I went up to her, to where she was, and I spoke to her, and she came toward me and … and those eyes, and I touched her face, and … (Abrupt) I don’t want to talk about it; I can’t talk about it.

  ROSS

  All right; let me help you. You’re seeing her.

  MARTIN

  (Sad laugh) Yes; oh, yes; I’m seeing her.

  ROSS

  You’re having an affair with her.

  MARTIN

  (Confused) A what? Having a what!?

  ROSS

  (Hard) You’re screwing her.

  MARTIN

  (Sudden vision of it) Yes; yes; I’m screwing her. Oh, Jesus!

  ROSS

  (Softer) And you’re in love.
/>   MARTIN

  That’s it, you see.

  ROSS

  What is? What do I see?

  MARTIN

  I am seeing her; I am having … an affair, I guess. No! That’s not the right word. I am … (winces) screwing her, as you put it—all of which is … beyond even … yes, I’m doing all that.

  ROSS

  (Prompting) … and you’re in love with her.

  MARTIN

  (Begins to cry) Yes! Yes! I am! I’m in love with her. Oh, Jesus! Oh, Sylvia! Oh, Sylvia!

  ROSS

  (After a respectful pause) I almost dare not ask this, but … who is Sylvia?

  MARTIN

  I can’t tell you!

  ROSS

  Who else but me? You can’t tell Stevie, it would …

  MARTIN

  NO!!

  ROSS

  Then, who is she? Who is Sylvia?

  (MARTIN pauses; goes to wallet, brings out photo, looks at it, hesitates, then hands it to ROSS, not looking as he does so. ROSS takes photo, looks at it, double-takes, begins a huge guffaw, which becomes a coughing)

  MARTIN

  (Shy) Don’t laugh. Please; don’t laugh.

  ROSS

  (Staring at photo; straightforward) This is Sylvia.

  MARTIN

  (Nods) Yes.

  ROSS

  (Pinning it down) This is Sylvia … who you’re fucking.

  MARTIN

  (Winces) Don’t say that. (It just comes out) Whom.

  ROSS

  … with whom you’re having an affair.

  MARTIN

  (Soft; nodding) Yes. (Pause) Yes.

  ROSS

  How long now?

  MARTIN

  (Soft) Six months.

  ROSS

  Jesus. You have to tell Stevie.

  MARTIN

  I can’t! I couldn’t do that!

  ROSS

  You have to … and if you don’t, I will.

  MARTIN

  (Begging) No! Ross! Please!

  ROSS

  (Genuine) You’re in very serious trouble.

  MARTIN

  (Pause; little boy) I am?

  ROSS

  (Quiet; shaking his head as he looks at the photo) You sure are, buddy; you sure are.

  MARTIN

  But, Ross, you don’t under …

  ROSS

  (Huge) THIS IS A GOAT! YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A GOAT! YOU’RE FUCKING A GOAT!

  MARTIN

  (Long pause; factual) Yes.

  End of Scene One

  Scene Two

  (The living room; a day later. MARTIN, STEVIE, and BILLY; STEVIE holding a letter)

  BILLY

  (To MARTIN) You’re doing what?! You’re fucking a goat?!

  MARTIN

  (Indicating STEVIE, who is at window, facing out) Billy! Please!

  BILLY

  Jesus Christ!

  MARTIN

  Don’t swear.

  BILLY

  (Scoffing laugh) Don’t what?!

  MARTIN

  Don’t swear; you’re too young.

  BILLY

  (Considers a moment, then) FUCK THAT!!

  MARTIN

  Billy! Your mother!

  BILLY

  (Scoffing laugh) You’re fucking a fucking goat and you tell me not to swear?!

  MARTIN

  You know, your own sex life leaves a little to …

  STEVIE

  (Still at window; ice) All right, you two!

  BILLY

  (To MARTIN) At least what I do is with … persons!

  STEVIE

  (Turning into the room) I said, all right, you two!

  BILLY

  Goat fucker!

  MARTIN

  Fucking faggot!

  STEVIE

  I said, all right!

  (A silence)

  BILLY

  (To MARTIN; soft, hurt) Fucking faggot? You called me a fucking faggot?!

  MARTIN

  (Gentle; to BILLY) I’m … I’m sorry.

  STEVIE

  (Even) Your father’s sorry, Billy.

  MARTIN

  I’m sorry. (To get rid of the whole subject) You’re gay, and that’s fine, and I don’t give a shit what you put where. (Thinks about it) I don’t care one way or the other is what I mean.

  BILLY

  Yeah! Sure!

  STEVIE

  (Cool) I said your father’s sorry for calling you a fucking faggot because he’s not that kind of man. He’s a decent, liberal, right-thinking, talented, famous, gentle man (hard) who right now would appear to be fucking a goat; and I would like to talk about that, if you don’t mind. Or … even if you do.

  BILLY

  (Nice) Sure, Mom; I’m sorry; you go right ahead.

  MARTIN

  (Sighs) Oh, dear.

  STEVIE

  (Objective) Let’s review Ross’s letter, shall we? (waves it)

  MARTIN

  (Hurt and enraged) How could he!! How could he do such a thing?!

  STEVIE

  (Ice) How could he—best friend to both of us, a man you would trust with your wife—no? …

  MARTIN

  … sure; sure …

  STEVIE

  How could Ross write me this letter? (waves it again)

  MARTIN

  YES!!

  STEVIE

  (Composed; cool; quoting) “… because I love you, Stevie, as much as I love Martin, because I love you both—respect you, love you—I can’t stay silent at a time of crisis for you both, for Martin’s public image, and your own deeply devoted …”

  MARTIN

  BULLSHIT!

  STEVIE

  Yes?

  MARTIN

  Yes!

  STEVIE

  So; anyhow; let’s not pretend he never wrote the letter; let’s not pretend I didn’t get it in the mail today—nice that: no electronic nonsense—and let us not pretend that I did not read it.

  MARTIN

  No; no, of course not.

  STEVIE

  And let us not pretend that Ross does not tell me that you are having an affair with … (looks) how does he put it? … “an affair with a certain Sylvia who, I am mortified to tell you …” He does get flowery, doesn’t he!

  MARTIN

  Yes; yes, he does.

  STEVIE

  “I am mortified to tell you is a goat.”

  BILLY

  Jesus!

  STEVIE & MARTIN

  Will you be still!!?

  BILLY

  (Dramatically cowering) Hey! Sure! Jesus!

  STEVIE

  (Back to business; quoting again) “You will, of course, be shocked and greatly distressed …” No kidding! Uh … “shocked and greatly distressed to know of this, but I felt it my obligation to be the one to bear these tidings …”

  MARTIN

  (Some disbelief) Tidings?

  STEVIE

  Yes; “tidings.”

  MARTIN

  Jesus! Of comfort and joy?

  STEVIE

  “… as I’m sure you’d rather hear it all from a dear friend …” As opposed to what! The ASPCA?!

  MARTIN

  (Woe) Oh, God; oh, God.

  STEVIE

  “Doubtless, Martin …” Doubtless?

  MARTIN

  Probably.

  STEVIE

  “… doubtless Martin will tell you all I have not, all I cannot.” (To MARTIN) What are friends for, eh?

  BILLY

  (Really sad) Oh, Dad!

  MARTIN

  Poor Dad?

  BILLY

  What?

  MARTIN

  Nothing.

  STEVIE

  (Level) So, now you will tell me all that Ross has not, cannot. After you tell me what friends are for, of course.

  MARTIN

  Oh … Stevie … (Starts to move to her)

  STEVIE

  (Abrupt; cold) Stay away from m
e; stay there. You smell of goat, you smell of shit, you smell of all I cannot imagine being able to smell. Stay away from me!

  MARTIN

  (Arms wide; hopeless) I love you!

  BILLY

  (Softly) Jesus.

  STEVIE

  You love me. Let’s see if I understand the phrase. You love me.

  MARTIN

  Yes!

  STEVIE

  But I’m a human being; I have only two breasts; I walk upright; I give milk only on special occasions; I use the toilet. (Begins to cry) You love me? I don’t understand.

  MARTIN

  (More hopeless) Oh, God!

  STEVIE

  How can you love me when you love so much less?

  MARTIN

  (Even more hopeless) Oh, God.

  BILLY

  Fucking a goat?!

  MARTIN

  (To BILLY; sharp) That does it! Out!

  BILLY

  (To STEVIE; arms wide) What did I say? I said he was …

  MARTIN

  Enough!

  BILLY

  For Christ’s sake, I …

  MARTIN

  Go to your room!

  STEVIE

  (Almost laughing) Oh, really, Martin!

  BILLY

  (Incredulous) Go to my room?!

  MARTIN

  Go to your room!

  BILLY

  What am I—eight, or something? Go to my room?

  STEVIE

  You’d better go, Billy. If you stay you might learn something.

  MARTIN

  (To STEVIE) Nicely put.

  STEVIE

  (Coldly) Thanks.

  BILLY

  (To STEVIE) You want me to leave you here with this … this … pervert?!